Reading time: 4min.

by Michael Lee

Desperately seeking height

Liverpool Street station, the usual sight of bleary eyed office workers slurping on their caffeine fix as the oblivious looking tourists hold up a frustrated queue of impatient people behind them as they figure out how to use an Oyster card. Surrounded by all this hustle and bustle I had agreed to go on a date, and as the small figure walking towards me from the distance draws closer I immediately regret my rash decision. Rash it certainly was as I had only been talking to the person in question a day before, now here I reluctantly was wishing I was still tucked up in the warmth of my bed

“Hey there how are you” said a soft sounding voice, and measuring up to my shoulders it was hard not to notice where the greeting was coming from, for I had agreed to go on a date with a garden gnome. Measuring in at a minute 5 ft 6 (when his profile clearly stated he was 5 ft 7) the prospect of spending an afternoon with a troll was not something that filled by stomach with butterflies.

Now before we get started on my date with the dwarf let me first state that I am no hulking tower myself measuring up at an average 5 ft 8, however size most certainly does matter and I like my men to be taller than me (there’s something about a tall and lurching man I find very appealing). So I replied back to my diminutive date in a way that showed no signs of disappointment and despair “Great to meet you” I proclaimed with my stiff upper lip firmly tight as we made our way to the destination of any true romantic first date, Nandos.

So as I devoured into my chicken and munched on my side orders of chips with all the grace and pleasantries one would expect to have on a date they don’t want to be on. I learned a lot about my small-scale companion sitting across from me who was seemingly wallowing in boredom and shared disinterest in this disaster of a date.

Not allowing his shortcomings to be an issue, my pintsized date proudly began listing all his relationships in numerical order and length of time together. Putting extra emphasis on the fact that they were all long-term relationships, ranging from 2 – 4 years as if it was some kind of prized achievement. At this point in the conversation my attention was entirely focused on the cheesecake currently circulating my mouth rather than the tedious tales of failed relationships gone by.

We actually discovered we had a mutual interest in Batman with my teeny tiny date even going as far as collecting action figures and merchandise of the caped crusader. Its cute if you are a 10-year-old boy or socially awkward like me, but I was on a date with a 37-year-old bore whose ignorance and ego certainly did not match the size of his pint-sized body.

Bored senseless with his ramblings about adoring ex-boyfriends and prized past relationships, after flashing him a cheeky glimpse of my Batman socks it was time to hop into my Bat mobile and drive off into the sunset. My puny acquaintance disappeared into the distance and out of my life as I continued the search for; ‘desperately seeking height’.