by Melchi Anyinsah-Bondzie
June 14, 2017
Meet the cast – 21st century dating
What is dating? “Never been through that, never experienced that, don’t know what that is. Just know, millions have.” Honestly, I wouldn’t lie to you – truly. Okay I lied, dating is tough and you’d think for a species that have been around for more than 200 million years, coupled with the fact that we have so many dating apps we may as well open an institution, that we really should’ve cracked the codes already – or at least all be in a relationship, of some sort anyway.
It’s funny though, don’t you find that whatever avenue of dating you find yourself in – there’s always a ‘type’ of person you come across?
It’s been a rough few days and for the sake of a bit of comedy relief, I’m going to run-down (with GIFs yay!) those vexingly endearing types of people.
10. Casper, the not-so-friendly ghost
You match and one of you strike up the conversation, it’s good – great even. You set a time and a place for a date; you meet, go home afterwards and talk a bit more, then…nothing. For weeks the same silence, then they come back, then they disappear again, then they’re back. You see where I’m getting at? What’s going on? Are you married? Have they been abducted? No one can be that forgetful or that busy … can they?
9. The long-winded intellect
Usually, I love when someone can talk to me about racism, the generally wicked behaviour of the patriarchy and post-modernist society. But, I beg. I didn’t ask you to quote Aristotle or throw philosophical tripe my way. Can we just have a good time, or nah?
8. The over-excessive laugher
It wasn’t that funny, please shut up.
7. The art-tastic weirdo
I do enjoy an art student or five, but you know when it gets weird and they suddenly want to draw your portrait? Maybe turn you into a statue or write a play about you…it’s only been 6 days babe.
6. The spiritualist
I don’t need an aura reading, nor do I need to see your spiritual advisor for a compatibility test.
5. The psychologist/therapist
If I needed someone to psychoanalyse me, I would’ve carried out my term at Broadmoor. Not everything I say needs to be cross-referenced.
4. The compliment-er
Don’t get me wrong, I love a compliment. I really do. However, there’s a striking difference between telling me that my hair is pretty and complimenting my kneecaps. Stop it.
3. The stalker
That one who always pops up when you’re online with a: “Hi!” WITHOUT FAIL, even though you said you weren’t really interested. It’s now become so bad, that you’ve blocked them but now they’ve made new profiles to pester you on. Honestly, just throw away the whole account.
2. The serial ‘liker’
You know when you’ve matched with someone and you’ve become really excited because they’re actually a spice and you go to say hello and then they un-match… Wow! That person literally just sat there swiping right with no tact. There’s a special place in hell for you, do it properly!
1. The dickhead
Unavoidable, the one who believes they’re God’s gift to humankind. Nope, stop it. Not everyone wants you, that was a lie – no-one wants you. It doesn’t hurt to be nice.