Reading time: 7min.

by Hans Crusim

Positivity in rejection

Compatibility with our prospective partner is an element we often forget from time to time due to our desire not to feel alone. When we forget about compatibility the relationships we form usually have less to do with enjoying another’s company and simply just wanting to have that romantic presence in your life.

Admittedly, I’ve become a victim of this train of thought. It’s an unhealthy one of course but it was inevitable as I’ve been single for most of my life until I went on my first date at the beginning of my first year of College.

I vividly remember being excited for that date, I was definitely glad to have it. When she first said yes to my advances leading to lunch with, at the time I thought – the perfect woman I felt accepted for the first time. I idealised the date before it had even happened, planning it to a tee. Nothing was to go wrong and I already decided in my own ignorant mind that I was somehow going to get a second date right after. In my eyes we were already in a relationship, how foolish I was.

So the day for the date came and through my rose-tinted glasses it was going perfectly. I looked sharp, I was on time, the venue was flawless but near the end of the date I had asked if we would meet again. To my shock it wasn’t to be.

When I look back at my date I realise that we hardly had stellar conversation but to my naïveté, I had no benchmark to know whether or not we truly had chemistry. Like many others I questioned myself on why didn’t it go successfully? Was it me? What did I do wrong? Was she just a bitch? My immaturity back then knew no bounds.

In time there are a few things we all have to realise in the aftermath of rejection and one of the most important lessons I had to learn was: I was not entitled to her affection.

Having the courage to be honest with your feelings to someone isn’t an express ticket to their heart.

In all cases of new romantic encounters happen its either because of the person’s physical appearance or based on their sheer charisma. It takes time for someone to fall for you. Never mistake attraction for love and don’t put so much emotional investment in someone you’ve only known for a short time. It makes rejection or future rejections easier to take.

Rejection inherently is also never a bad thing. From the wrong perspective it can damage your ego, but that comes from the thinking that rejection from another person is due to some personal inadequacy. This is wrong – rejection actually prevents bad relationships.

The choice to reject someone comes mostly by assumption as advances are mostly made in the moment – sometimes without even testing things. But it ensures that both parties involved have an actual desire for each other. Everyone has their personal preferences when it comes to a partner – that is the reality of things. If your qualities don’t align with someone who your interested in it just means that relationship, if it did happen, might not work because both of you might not be satisfied. It wouldn’t be balanced.

There is the old saying; there is plenty more fish in the sea, a belief that’s still prevalent today because it’s true. Not to be reductive or sound cold about the matter but mathematically speaking there is someone out there who will one day have a chance to appreciate your qualities. Rejection at its core is hardly ever about you, it is about the other person’s preference.

I am, admittedly, very persistent so even if someone has rejected me I would make multiple attempts to ask again or make gestures to garner a yes. In a few lucky cases I did manage to turn things around and acquire the response I desired but in other cases – I really should have understood that “no” means “no”.

There comes a point, and I say this with self-awareness, that persistence becomes not cute but obsessive and creepy – a lesson I learnt the hard way.

One of the things I would also urge for readers to realise is that when I say “compatibility” I don’t mean it to be synonymous to “similarities”. I have been with women that are very different to me. Good, compatible relationships don’t always mean having lots of things in common. From experience it’s how your personalities interact with one another.

I am a man that prefers to date women who are different from me because I feel like we can learn from each other. Together we can explore things we might not have thought of exploring. At times this can make the whole endeavour adventurous, as I’m not indulging in things I’m already familiar with. Rejecting someone solely based on different interests is not always the best idea as it might offer you a different experience – one that you might unexpectedly enjoy.