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Ten ways to bare your teeth

From the condescending twat in your class, to the sexists pig at work, right down to the rude and obnoxious uncle at your family reunion.

We all have that one person in our everyday lives that needs to be put in their place, I usually refer to it as having to ‘eat’ or ‘bite’ someone in order to get my point across or correct unacceptable behaviour. You know bare my claws and generally act like a bitch.

As a well known biter myself (compliments of my heritage) in the spirit of all things honest and true, I am sharing with you the correct way to ‘bite’ a person properly. What are the correct situations to ‘bite’ & what is or isn’t going too far (In my opinion of course).

1) Humour – They say laugher is the best medicine so what better way to put someone in their place than by turning it into a joke. This usually works best in a work environment, where you have to get along with others and don’t want things to escalate.

“(insert name here) you got one more, before I go off, on you” or “ Oh (insert name here) don’t make me pull a Tyra going ape shit on you dude” (insert laugher here).

Say it with a smile, but allow the tone to indicate a warning shot has been fired.

2) Sarcasm – Some say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, I however think its perfect for biting people back without being overly aggressive and is great for fooling the less than intelligent. Try simple phrases like: “Well done genius” “ I’m so hurt I’m gonna have to cry myself to sleep at tonight” or “No I’m not being sarcastic, I’m just intelligent beyond your comprehension” or my ever favourite “hi-larious”. 

Remember tone, facial expression and even a rolling of the eyes sets this option off just right.

3) Assertive – Sometimes …. just sometimes, all the tricks and subtle hints In the world won’t do. Sometimes the level of rage growing inside you is so rife, it could only be comparable to some kind of supernatural experience. In those rare but true moments I say .. don’t hold back … bite that motherf***ker and give them everything you got … just don’t hit them … because you know …. you might get arrested.

4) Be direct – Not always, are people intentionally rude or offensive. Believe it or not some people just have that kind of personality. You can call it emotional redundancy, no filter, emotionally retarded or even just insensitive, the key here is to recognise that its not intentional. I therefore usually take the direct approach, take them to one side and explain that although they aren’t doing it on purpose … it needs to stop.

(In the unlikely event that it doesn’t stop please refer to step 3!)

5) Subtlety – Not every case has to be dealt with In such a direct manner. Sometimes if you drop enough hints the person just might get it & spare a lot of feelings in the process. Talk about it with a friend on the phone and accidentally say it loud enough for the desired person to hear or talk directly to them and pretend its ‘your friend’ who’s doing the exact same thing and its getting on your nerves. If they posses half a brain cell they’ll catch on before you need to do any more.

6) Embaress – I never understood why some people need to be absolutely called out in front of everyone in order for the message to sink in, but if needs must! No brainer really, just tell as many people that you have as mutual friends/co workers in an outraged manner and eventually someone will approach that person about what they’ve done. Try:

“Oh my god (insert name here) did you hear what (insert name here) said about/to me? How out of order is that, someone really needs to talk to (insert name here).”

Make it known that you will expose the heck out of that person with no hesitation, a little tattle tale-ish … but really who cares.

7) Top tip #1 – NEVER bite someone in front of their family or close friends. No matter how bad, inappropriate or out of order they’re being you’ll always come across like the bad guy and they will always stick up for the ‘bitee’. Instead hold your tongue till your on an equal playing field and can inflict the most damage possible.

8) Top tip #2 – Try not to make it too personal. When we’re in a biting mood the temptation to lash out at the ‘bitee’, for past wrong doings is all too strong. If your not too careful you’ll end up bringing up that thing they did last summer and cussing out his gap teeth/flat foot/bald head/big nose and that’s never the way to handle things in a classy way. (albeit true).

9) Top tip #3 – Biting someone should only ever but used in reaction or response to wrong doing of some kind, never as a means of personal vendetta. The Line between bully and ‘biter’ is thin indeed!

10) Top tip #4 – The key to any of the steps mentioned is conviction and confidence. Therefore speak clearly, look them dead in their eyes, believe what your saying and DON’T BACK DOWN.

Editor’s Note: This post was written humorously with some satirical undertones.

Natalie Bannerman