Reading time: 4min.

by Claire Munday

The do’s and don’ts of the daily commute

Public transport, it’s the enemy of many; friend of few. How nice would it be to get through one commute without wanting to scream at total strangers for not following the rules? What rules you may ask? Well, if you’re unaware that there are rules, I suggest you start walking to work and don’t set foot inside a moving vehicle until you are willing to follow the do’s and don’ts of the daily commute.

1. Entering / exiting

Logic is key here. If you want to board a bus or travel by train, there has to be room for you to get on in the first place. This is not achieved by the powers of magic, but by letting people who want to alight get off before you get on. Otherwise you find yourself being shoved right back off again, as they stress about the doors closing before they’ve touched ground. It is entirely acceptable to shout at people who refuse to stick by this rule, thus shaming them in front of their fellow passengers.

2.  Seating plan

At all times you should avoid sitting next to someone else. They will hate you and spend the rest of the journey knocking you off the arm rest or constantly fidgeting in the hope you give up and move. If it’s unavoidable, then try not to get sandwiched between two people. They will see you and suddenly spread out as much as possible, leaving you sitting with your arms in a constant T-Rex pose. Attractive.

3.  Can you move down please?

Yes, yes you can. We can see you can, hence why we’re asking you this in an incredibly patronising tone. This dreaded saying gets dished out on a daily basis, so by now you would think people would naturally move down when it’s busy. Oh no, these people choose to be oblivious to the world around them, aka they’re selfish. Just because you have a garden and your own driveway, does not translate into you double-spreading your paper whilst the rest of us are squeezed within an inch of life by the door. Put simply, if there is space, just move into it without being asked and everyone might just be that little bit more pleasant.

4.  Bags of room

I am a person; your bag is not. I paid to travel on this train; your bag did not. I want to sit down; your bag is in my seat. Can you see where I’m going with this?

5.  Man spreading

Unless you are about to give birth, keep your legs shut. It’s not attractive to anyone. Your crotch display is making us all cringe. My passive aggressive tips to eliminate this disease, is to either start spreading yourself, knocking them into submission, or sit cross legged with your shoe resting ever so slightly on their knee. Try it, it works.

Let me consolidate the rest for you:

6.  ALWAYS offer your seat to the elderly, injured, disabled and pregnant.

7.  Leave bodily functions for when you’re alone.

8.  Never read the paper over someone’s shoulder (a pet hate of mine!)

9.  Do not speak to/give eye contact to someone you don’t know under any circumstances.

10.  Keep noise to a minimum, as in wear decent headphones and stop competing for the World’s loudest phone conversation.

To be honest, I can still think of another twenty rules, but if you at least stick to the above, you can sit smugly on your journey whilst berating those who don’t.